Loss: Destruction or ruin, the failure to win, gain, obtain, or utilize, or the act of losing one’s possession(s). (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
In October 2012 I experienced a pregnancy loss.
For those of you who have experienced this profound loss, the pain of grief is unimaginable. Through therapy I was able to process my grief, and I learned how to own and appreciate my story. As a result, I now have the confidence to share my pregnancy loss story with you as well as share some helpful ways to cope with your grief in a healthy way. These suggestions are in no way a substitution for therapy. If you have experienced a pregnancy loss please consider seeking help from a professional therapist to heal in a safe way.
Here is my story. I hope that it brings you comfort to know that you are not alone.
Have you ever noticed that the colors pink and red are so remarkably similar yet profoundly different?
Two lines. I was staring at two pink lines. I was pregnant. Instantly, I experienced insurmountable feelings of joy and excitement. Shortly thereafter I visualized my life with this beautiful baby. It was as if a piece of my heart that I didn’t even know existed was unlocked and I started to cry. Then, I began to sob because in that same exact moment I was sitting in blood-stained pants while holding the pregnancy test with two bright pink lines. Unfortunately, the color of pink started to fade away through my tears, and all I saw was red.
I was losing my baby. A baby that we created and a baby that I just seconds before imagined would fill my soul. A baby that I would never meet.
I sat. I sat, and I sat some more. Finally, I pulled myself up from off the bathroom floor. I took off my blood-stained clothes, and I took a shower. Then, I sat again, and I cried some more. Eventually, at some point, I walked into the living room.
My husband was sitting on the couch watching Sunday football. He was oblivious to what just occurred in the bathroom. As I took a seat on the couch and stared at him for a few moments, I realized that I didn’t want to tell him that I lost our baby because I didn’t want to cause him pain, and I didn’t want him to feel the way I was feeling. This was the kind of pain I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.
When you miscarry, you don’t instantaneously stop being pregnant.
In reality, the medical tests you take after learning that you are miscarrying confirm that you are, in fact, pregnant. However, you are no longer carrying a living being inside of your body. In conclusion, it can take a significant amount of time for your body to stop generating positive pregnancy results.
Think about that for a minute- you are pregnant, but you are not pregnant. It’s a mind fuck. You have lost something that is still in your possession.
Here’s the thing, you will never lose your miscarried baby. You will always carry that baby in your soul. It doesn’t matter if you lost your baby at 6 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, 32 weeks, 38 weeks, or 40 weeks. You will never be without possession of that baby. That baby’s soul will always consume that piece of your heart that unlocked the minute you found out you were pregnant.
What we forgo when we experience a pregnancy loss is what we imagined life would be like with that baby. Oftentimes, it is hard to grieve this kind of loss because it is abstract. However, it is possible with time.
Having gone through this loss myself and having helped others through their loss here are some ways in which to mourn your pregnancy loss.
- Consult with your physician if you are experiencing physical discomfort. This is not the time to grin and bear it. You have nothing to prove.
- Don’t close yourself off. Tell your loved ones about your loss. Give yourself permission to let them hold you physically and emotionally during this time.
- Journal. Expressively write your feelings and thoughts without judgment.
- Rest. DO NOT go to work. Take bereavement time. Remember, you have experienced a loss.
- Talk with your spouse. Share this experience. They are experiencing feelings of grief too.
- Don’t expect your partner to grieve in the same way.
- Your thoughts of guilt are real, but they are not valid. You did not intentionally harm your unborn child. This is not your fault. Pregnancy complications can happen to anyone. Talk with a therapist to process the feelings of guilt if they continue to persist.
- Give yourself grace and self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a friend going through this experience.
Remember, you deserve to feel, deal, heal and bloom.
As Vision said to Wanda, “I believe that grief is love persevering.”
Bloom Well,
Katie
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